Whirlwind Trip

My dad is my hero. He offered to buy a house for M and I to live in, since I won't be able to do that on my own for sometime. He arrived last Thursday and we hit the ground running. My poor 78 year-old dad went in and out of 19 houses, mostly 2-story, over 2 days. For him it was like running 2 back-to-back marathons. But he made it! Fortunately, by Monday evening we had a signed purchase agreement. We found a house that both M and I will be happy in for a long time. We can start our new lives without the weight of a 3100 square foot house with 4 acres hanging over my head! Hallelujah!!

I now have a boat load of packing to do. And I have to get the old house rented out. I have a property manager coming to get things started on Monday. Hopefully it will be rented out not long after we move to our new house.

The latter part of my dad's trip to Minnesota consisted of final touches on the transaction and me trying to negotiate with JY. First off, I'm so happy I hired an attorney to represent me. I wish JY would have done the same right away. I've been going back and forth with him trying to settle most of the issues in our divorce before filing the case. My attorney advised that we should do so to avoid costly pre-trial meetings, etc. I thought JY would agree to a settlement. I gave him a deadline of noon today and he asked to push it back to the end of today. Not sure how this will go. He said he wanted to do this amicably and not have a protracted divorce. Then in response to my offer, he starts asking for alimony, part of my pension and other things for himself. Funny that my offer was for the benefit of M and his was all about himself.

Last night I gave him my last/best offer, for which I'm awaiting a response. I told him if he didn't accept it, then it was off the table and we'd start from scratch. I'm even willing to take my offer of joint custody off the table. A judge can decide if giving custody to an adulterous, lying, over-drinking, gambling, wreckless driving father is in M's best interest or not.

Here's hoping he comes to his senses by 4:30 PM.

Moving Forward

Since JY doesn't seem to be able to bring himself to tell people who didn't know he was cheating that he's a cheater, I've begun to tell them. I can't believe the outpouring of support! I've said it before and I'll keep saying it. I'm truly humbled by the love and generosity of my friends. It makes the whole thing bearable.

Other good things are happening, too. My Dad is coming to town to help me find a new place for M and I to live. JY has no clue that we are going to move out of the house. I will tell him, but I'll wait until I know when and where we are moving. He still has many belongings at the house that he's going to have to hurry up and move. Too bad, so sad!

I got more good news today. The doctor's office called and I got a clean bill of health! Woo hoo! I'm not sure what I would have done if I had gotten other news.

Onward and upward!

A Good But Rough Day

Today was the first day with JY out of the house. It felt so good this AM not to have to look at him. And even better to come home and not have to see/avoid him. I left work early just to enjoy the serenity.

Even more good things happened, too. I was driven to tears by some of the best "imaginary" friends a gal can have. My January Mamas sent me an Edible Arrangement today. It was so cool and so thoughtful. I was so surprised and so happy to fell all of them lifting me up in their thoughts and prayers. I don't know if I've never needed to support of others so badly. I'm usually so self-reliant. But I'm truly gaining strength from family and friends. I know nothing will make this go away, but it definitely is helping me move on. I wish a divorce could happen as fast and easily as a wedding. I hold out hope that this will be over by the winter. I won't, however, hold my breath.

My dad also floored me today. Not that he did anything uncharacteristic. It's more that I wasn't expecting it. He so wants me to move on and move out. He's willing to help me get into a different home for the two of us. I may not need the help. It's just a weight lifted to know that help is there if needed.

Word is getting out in JY's family. I wondered if he had told the truth to his parents. I don't know what they've been told. One of the sisters-in-law sent me a note today that she heard about JY having a girlfriend in Chicago. She wasn't trying to get information. Just checking to make sure M and I were okay. I told her some of what I know, but not everything. Thought I'd at least confirm what she heard.

I'm thinking about writing my mother-in-law about all that happened. Then I think that won't help at all. I feel like I should let her know what I'm thinking about her relationship with M and how it's her son's responsibility to maintain it. I don't want her to think I'm going to try to keep M from her. I also don't want her to think I'm going to be coming up for visits so she can see M all the time. The answer will come to me someday whether or not to write the letter.

It's Called Parenting, Stupid!

I cry more today for M. JY said he wanted a visitation schedule before he moved out. So I gave him one for July. His first night would be this Thursday. He's supposed to pick her up from daycare and eventually put her to bed and I would come home later. Well JY sends me a text saying he needs to go to Rochester, MN Thursday. I'm sure for golf, but I don't ask details. It's definitely not for work, since he's off all month. He asks if the neighbor can babysit M that night. I send the following reply:

If you want to pay her yourself. Should I tell my atty you don't have time for visitation? I thought otherwise. But maybe I misunderstood how much you wanted to be involved.

Is it that hard to spend time with your kid? You're not being a babysitter! You're supposed to be a parenting. You are not spending time with her to do me any favors. Ugh!! I just want to scream! I'm sure this is a glimpse of things to come. I hoped he wouldn't be the same as he was when we were all under the same roof. But I was wrong. Poor M.

I was given good advice today by another mom who has been through the same thing over 20 years ago. She was told to keep a journal for 5 years of all the contact the father of her children had with the kids. She did and when her son was old enough, he could only get through the first 2 pages before he realized how little his father tried to be a part of their lives. I think I'm going to have to do the same thing. 5 years from now, M probably won't be ready to fully understand. But I'll have it for whenever she is ready.

I Deserve Flowers

Freedom bouquets were being sold at Trader Joe's today. I felt I deserved flowers. Tonight JY is moving his main stuff out of the house! Hallelujah! I'll finally feel at home and a bit more at peace in the evenings. I wish he would have started moving his things before 9 pm. But a move is better than no move.

I told my Dad today about the divorce. At first he misunderstood and thought that this was a one time thing and that we should work it out. Then he listened more and realized that JY doesn't want to work things out and that he's fed me nothing but lies since I suspected something was up. It felt good to cry a bit more. Dad was so supportive and said it's time to move on and I'm doing what needs to be done. He offered to come out for a few days. I declined the offer and he'll come at his normally scheduled visit at the end of August.

Now that I've told my immediate family, I feel like I can tell the rest of the world. I feel like a status change is coming on Facebook. I think that's so much easier than individual calls to friends I don't see regularly. We'll see. I might wait one more night to try to make calls.

I also deserve flowers today because I had a Dr. appointment to check for any STDs. You should have seen the Dr's eyes pop when I told her my story. It's too soon for and HIV/AIDS test. But she checked for everything else she could and could rule out herpes because I don't have any sores. Lovely. Again never thought any of this would happen to me. Or that my name would be used in the same sentence as any of these words.

Toddler Speak

Today we told Munchkin that daddy wasn't going to be living here anymore. She didn't seem phased. I made JY tell her, with me there, since he's the cause of all of this. I'm so lucky this happened when M is so young. I truly don't think she'll notice a difference. JY hasn't been the most involved father. Plus, he's been gone a lot for work. I didn't expect her to react much. But I wanted a reference point for later when she asks where daddy go? Or asks if daddy will be at home when we get there.

Now he just needs to get out! His moving day won't come soon enough for me. Today I started packing up some of my things that are in furniture that belonged to his family. That felt so good this afternoon.

I feel like I may have stopped crying, too. I though maybe I would tear up telling M, even though I wasn't going to do a lot of talking. But I didn't! I know there will be more tears. But the hard stuff is past. I have a plan. It's being put in place slowly. There's still legal stuff to deal with. But I'm feeling hopeful and only seeing upsides for me as an individual. Obviously, a lot of downsides for M now and more so into the future. But I can't battle them all before they happen. I just have to take them and talk to her as they come.

Talking About It

I've started telling my story to a handful of family and friends. I'm so fortunate to have so many friends who support me in real life and in cyber life. I've heard other people's stories of surviving their spouse's infidelity and how it effects their kids. Even being married to JY I often wondered what influence he'd have on M. Hopefully, in two separate households it will be lessened.

Each time I tell my story I cry just a little bit more. And if you knew me it would be surprising. I'm not know as a crier. But I don't cry for myself. I cry for Maryn. The tears also empower me. I'm empowered to make a happy life for her. To give her strong male role models. Those who are better men than her father.

I've also started trying to figure out my financial life until all of this mess is behind me. What a pain to have to transfer money, open accounts, prepare to close accounts, and change automatic bill payments. The upside of this is that I was the financially stable one in the relationship. I paid all the bills and I have some savings. I didn't plan to use it to live on before retirement. But it's there if I need it. JY's financial life is a mess to say the least. Late payments, raiding his pension to pay bills and credit accounts in collections are all in his not to distant past. He lives a life were everything is a want. He can't separate wants from needs. He has never learned to save for want he wants. He just buys without thinking about how to pay for it. Now that won't be my problem!

Freedom!

The day after Independence Day

Cried a lot of tears today. Which for me is always a good thing. I know I'm processing what's going on if I cry. I feel like I have to hide my tears from M and JY. But so far that's not hard to do. JY seems pissed off at me. Why I don't know? He's the one that brought this on. Too bad, so sad for him.

M, of course, has no clue. I know we need to tell her together. But I'm not sure how to explain it to a 2 year old. Then I feel like JY should explain it, since it's his fault. He's even worse than I am at explaining things to her.

Today he had the nerve to send me an email asking if we could do this amicably and not be a long drawn out battle. Dude I want to cut ties with you! I'm not trying to hang on to you! But if it takes awhile, so be it. I replied to his email, "It'll be what we make it." He also gave me a dollar amount he was willing to pay to support M and that he'd leave me everything except the things he paid for. My response to that is "I'll let my attorney handle the negotiations." Other events of the day include him withdrawing money from our joint bank account. He also blocked me from seeing some of his stuff on Facebook. So I did the same to him. But I'm not sure what that accomplishes. Next I have to work on bills. Canceling some and taking out of savings for others.

I can't bring myself to call my father, yet. I may wait until after I tell my sister. I asked her to call me when she gets back from her family vacation. I know she'll have my back. But it feels like failure to admit my father that my marriage is ending, even if I did nothing wrong. I get waves of bravery and think that I'll call Dad on my commute home tomorrow or during the work day. We'll see what happens.

I know it will get easier with time. Time can't get here fast enough.

Independence Day

I never thought I would have any reason to have a blog. What do I have to say that anyone else would even want to read. But I never thought I'd be going through what I'm going through now. Today I had to confront my husband (I'll call him Jerk You [JY] to preserve his anonymity) about an affair. Not being the child of divorce, I never thought I would get one. Just short of 5 years into the marriage, I never thought I was married to a cheater. Of course, I have friends who are single parents after a divorce. I know it's not a bad word. But just a word that I wouldn't hear used in the same sentence as my name.

So how did the confrontation go down? It wasn't easy. JY has tried to avoid talking or being alone with me for a little while. We had talked about going to the July 4th fireworks. We were going to go as a family. But the night before we went to see some as a family and let's just say it was a disaster for the 2 year old, Munchkin [M]. Being a firework lover that I am, I suggested we put the over-tired Munchkin to bed at the normal time and have JY's son stay home and "babysit." Worked like a charm. JY and I went to the fireworks in the neighboring city of Woodbury. Since I know where to go sort of, I suggest that I drive us. We go and watch the fireworks standing in a field. It felt like there were miles between us for the 20 minutes of the show. The whole time I'm going over in my head how to say what I want to say. I even tear up a few times thinking of my poor M. Of course getting out of the park is a nightmare. We sit in traffic for what seems like an eternity making small talk. I'm going through in my head at what point on the drive do I say it. I don't have a lot to say, but don't know if we are going to have an argument, am I going to break down and cry, am I going to get sick? How's it going to play out. I decide that I'm going to wait for the last possible moment...when we turn into the neighborhood. I have one mile to say what I want to say. I sort of stammer at the start. But then I found that inner calm and told JY that I know about his affair, I've contacted an attorney, if I need to contact a Dr. to protect myself let me know and that he and stepson have until the end of the week to leave the house. The response I get is "fine." With those words and a one word response a huge weight has been lifted. I know there will be more words, don't know what, don't know when. But there will be lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurances to M.

And M and I journey down a totally unexplored path for the two of us. Happy Independence Day! Let freedom ring!